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    是人類的世俗扼殺了高尚

    時間:2016-04-23 / 點擊:次 / 文章投稿

    今年3月26日是海子逝世20周年,許多喜歡海子詩歌的人再次聚集起來,通過朗誦他的詩歌來紀念他。

    20年前,“面朝大海,春暖花開”的詩人海子永遠地離開了。沒有人能夠告訴我們,海子究竟為何選擇自殺,我們只能從他生命的最后一段軌跡中,去尋找和感受這個“野蠻而悲傷的海子”……

    1989年3月26日,這天是海子的公歷生日。一大早,海子穿著一件白襯衣、藍褲子,肩挎一個軍用書包在中國政法大學老校區溜了幾圈,乘汽車來到了山海關,這是個寓意天地結合的地方。

    他沿著“天梯”(鐵道)向前走。

    傍晚時分,他在鐵軌的一處躺下……

    一列貨車呼嘯而來。

    校方用電報通知了他遠在安徽的父母親。

    幾天后,痛不欲生的父母親將他的骨灰盒帶回查灣村。

    海子的靈魂永遠留在了查灣村,這方生他養他的土地。

    母親曾希望他的性格更隨和

    1987年,在海子生命中的倒數第二個年頭,他把母親接到了北京昌平,這是家里人第一次,也是唯一一次被海子邀到京城與他共享親情的溫馨。自從海子15歲被北京大學法律系錄取后,他便一個人在北京生活。畢業后,海子被分配到中國政法大學工作。

    海子想盡一切辦法讓母親吃好、睡好、生活好。為此,他特地從朋友處借了些錢打理母親在北京的幾十天生活,使母親開心快樂地過每一天。

    但是,終使母親擔心的還是他的人際交往,她認為自己的兒子社會經驗欠缺,又有一點兒自命清高,這樣的性格一定不能處理好同領導、同事們之間的關系。

    有一次,海子帶母親去政法大學的操場上散步,遇到一位政治系的領導,這位領導看到海子領著一位中年婦女散步,估計她是海子的媽媽,就主動向海子先打招呼,海子只是輕聲“嗯”了一聲,并沒有過多地搭理領導的問候。等那位領導走遠后,媽媽責怪他說,要虛心地和領導處理好關系,不要目中無人!

    海子的回答是:那個人雖然是領導,實際上肚子里的“墨水”并不多,沒有必要去和他多講話。

    母親發了個小火,說你這孩子怎么這樣,人際關系都處理不好,工作怎么能夠順心舒暢!

    海子知道惹媽媽生氣了,馬上轉開話題談論別的事,但媽媽還是咬著這個問題不放,她知道,再不好好開導教化兒子,將來吃虧的還是自己的兒子。

    ……

    在法大,海子的脾氣是出了名的固執。雖然已經工作了好幾年,但他一般不參加學校和系里組織的會議和活動,這就意味著他只能拿到每個月的基本工資,而獎金等統統扣除,這在法大有著嚴格的考勤考核工作制度。這些工作制度直接與工資獎金掛鉤。

    海子不在乎這些,他自認為在做自己喜歡做的事,他用開會、搞活動的時間來寫一些詩的收益比那一點兒錢強百倍。正因為如此,在評定海子職稱的問題上,領導們一再考慮,還是讓他停留在“助教”資格線上。

    海子生前的摯友西川也說“要探究海子自殺的原因,不能不談到他的性格。他純潔,簡單,偏執,倔強,敏感,有時沉浸在痛苦之中不能自拔。”

    辭職下海的雄心被父親澆滅

    1989年初,生命中的最后一年,海子回了趟安徽。這趟故鄉之行給他帶來了巨大的荒涼之感,“有些你熟悉的東西再也找不到了。”

    海子回到查灣村時已經身無分文,也就沒有像往常那樣帶些禮物回家。剛一進門就喊著媽媽要飯吃,他餓極了。

    這一次在家,海子發起沖刺,不要命地寫詩,仿佛是一個危重的病人在同時間賽跑。

    他和父母說自己的一部作品集要出版了,可能會賺取一筆稿費,海子講得很誠懇,好像幫助改變家庭境況的機會已經來了。

    海子確實被物質——這個無情的情人折磨透了。他曾幻想如何能使自己和家里變得富綽起來。單憑他寫的詩歌,豈能養家糊口?

    就在前不久,他和幾個北大同學聚會,有人建議海子和他們一道“下海”,去海南辦報紙。

    海南是經濟特區,經濟發展迅猛,吸引了全國眾多的熱血青年,絕大部分知識青年都找到了用武之地,并且混得不錯。憑文字功底和寫作水平,海子完全有能力去報社做一名編輯,在這樣的一個領域里工作游刃有余。

    當海子把欲辭掉法大教師的職務和幾個朋友去海南辦報紙一事認真地和父親查振全提起時,父親勃然大怒,拍桌子狠罵他的兒子。

    “好好的一個鐵飯碗不要,去海南做什么?”

    “好不容易把你給培養出來,你卻要自己毀掉自己……”

    海子沒有想到父親會發這么大的火。他嚇得雙腿直哆嗦,哭了起來,像個受傷的孩子。

    坐在一旁的母親也跟著哭了起來。

    她第一次看到兒子如此悲傷。

    晚飯時,海子只吃了幾口,又回到自己的房間,拿起筆又寫了起來。

    母親推開門,端來一碗面條放在桌邊。她試著問兒子到底辭不辭去法大的工作,海子直截了當地回應母親:“我還當老師就是啦。”

    母親拿著懷疑的目光瞅了瞅海子。她看兒子并沒有在意,就默不作聲地走出了房間。

    25日夜里,同事被他的大叫聲“我活著沒意義了”吵醒。

    同事以為海子出了什么事,迅快地從床上爬起來敲海子的門,問他出了什么事。海子面色蒼白地說:“不好意思,驚擾您了,剛才做了一個噩夢。”海子感覺自己像是做錯了什么,就鄭重地向同事道了個歉。

    同事聽他這么一說,安慰他幾句就走了。

    海子再也睡不著了,他穿好衣裳,接著昨天再次寫起了遺書

    26日,一列呼嘯而來的火車仿佛呼嘯而過的時代,駛過山海關附近冰冷的鐵軌——鐵軌上那個溫暖的身體頓時一分為二。

    是人類的世俗扼殺了高尚,詩人不想把時間浪費在庸俗的眼光里!

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